As A Woman, To What Do I Owe Myself? Love.

Take off all my make-up

'Cause I love what's under it

Rub off all your words, don't give a uh, I'm over it

Jiggle all this weight, yeah

You know I love all of this

Finally love me naked, sexiest when I'm confident

Strip - Little Mix

Who run the world?

Girls!

Run The World (Girls) - Beyoncé

As a warning: Sexual harassment, and other concerning topics are discussed in this book and will be discussed in this review.

Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a 197 page book that slaps you in the face and asks, why are you so judgmental? Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a 197 page book that teaches you that you are worth it and should never settle. Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a 197 page book that is modern feminism. Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a 197 page book that tackles the archaic ideals in our society. Women Don't Owe You Pretty is a 197 page book that feels like a love letter, except this love letter is written by you, and addressed to you.

To start off with technicalities of the book, as previously mentioned, it is a 197 page book. With a very 70s, bright pink, orange, and yellow color scheme popping right in your face, this book just looks fun and sarcastc, and let me tell you, it is. Throughout the book there are graphic designs and quotes of what the author says whether it be in the past, present, or future chapter you read. It is a major attention grabber, and definitely shoves those quotes right in your face.

I want to mention the two songs I have at the beginning of this review, before I dive too deep into the book. Run The World by Beyoncé, I feel like I do not have to explain much. It is an empowering song and a fun one as well. Strip by Little Mix is one I want to go in more depth on. In the next paragraph you find out the theme of this book, but this song, gives you a pretty good idea. The lyrics I shared were "Take off all my make-up, 'cause I love what's under it, rub off all your words, don't give a uh, I'm over it, jiggle all this weight, yeah, you know I love all of this, finally love me naked, sexiest when I'm confident." These are just the first few lyric of the song, but as the song goes on, it talks about being your true self. It talks about loving the body that you came in, love whoever you want, live your life the way you want to, and enjoy it. This song I thought fit the vibe of this book. Go and give it a listen and hopefully by the end of this review, you will understand why I think it fits so well.

The main theme around this book is stated in the title. This title is something that women should say to themselves every day of their life. Women don’t owe you pretty. Now say it a little louder for the people in the back. WOMEN DON’T OWE YOU PRETTY! Okay now that it was screamed into the world, let’s talk about what the author, Florence Given, actually meant.

Given mentions throughout the entire book this philosophy that women don’t owe anyone anything, especially because they are “pretty.” Given gives many examples of women feeling like they need to dress a certain way, act a certain way, or anything else our past generations have tried engraving into women’s minds, to shape them into women they “should” become. Given is trying to stop that. As I stated before, this book is made to help show women that they should be their true selves and that they should love their true selves, no matter what.

More off of that, it was very hard to put this book down. The power in Given’s voice was too intriguing and forceful to walk away from. Her writing style and choice of words, for lack of a better term, slapped me in the face. I appreciated her honestly and her familiarity with certain situations. Given made it a point to relate some of her topics back to an instance in her own personal life. Now not many authors can do that and receive the same response of wanting to continue a read. The particular instances she referenced back, any women could pick a chapter and relate to which is what kept me reading. Some authors that relate to their own personal experiences in their books, use those experiences too frequently0 so then to the reader, it takes away from the story the author is trying to tell. With Given’s view and her examples, it was enough to get her perspective and truth to what she is trying to explain, but not enough to where it was her autobiography saying “do what I do because what I say is right.” It was a very happy medium, and that was just one reason why I gave it the rating of 5/5.

I rated this book a 5/5 because being a women, this book put so many different mindsets into perspective for me. Given talks about how men treat woman, how women treat women, and how women treat men. She talks about the information that she has learned growing up, and if she could talk to her younger self, what she would say. She mentions topics like feminism, stereotyping, tearing down other women, setting boundaries in your life in relationships and much more. Given focuses on not necessarily changing yourself as a women, but bettering yourself in ways that matter.

Something to mention that I really think made the book what it was and what also contributed to me continuing to read are the graphics Given included per chapter. I mentioned these graphics at the beginning of the review, but they are powerful quotes drawn on every other page or multiple times in the pertaining chapter. As well as quotes, there are drawings of women on these pages as well. There are a mix of quotes, drawings, quotes and drawings etc. These particular drawings are empowering images of women that consist of women in their true form, no matter what form it is. Sometimes the women have hairy armpits while in a bathing suit, with a glass of wine in their hand. Sometimes the women are wearing a pink business executive suit with a cigarette in their hand. Sometimes the women are bald with tattoos on their neck. And sometimes the women are either not wearing a bra or not wearing a shirt. Either way, these images are of the real faces and bodies of women. There is no hiding and no sugarcoating in this book which may be my absolute favorite thing about it. Of course, there are other favorite topics, so continue on reading.

Discussing one of the main topics that struck me was on the first damn page, right there in Given’s introduction. Given says a quote written by Erin McKean, which is what inspired the book title Women Don’t Owe You Pretty.

"You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female.’”

I mean what a powerful first introduction to a book? After reading that, wouldn’t you want to continue? Hell, I know I did. The last sentence is what struck me and after reading it, it is what helped explain the title of the book and what to expect through the rest of the pages. Now that you have read that line, you know what to expect, and if you take the plunge to read this piece of work, then I say take your bra off, grab a glass of wine, let loose, and enjoy the ride.

To dive deeper into sensitive topics Given mentioned, sexual harassment was one mentioned a few times. One main reason is because while still reading the introduction, Given talks about how many times she has contemplated shaving her head just so she wouldn’t get sexually harassed. I mean, how sad is that? It sucks to say, but so many women have to grow eyes in the back of their head, wherever they go because of the risk of sexual assault. I can speak from experience, my dad gave me pepper spray when I moved away for college. My mom, this past Christmas, got my sisters and I all keychains that screamed a high pitched noise and flashed a light if pulled the right way in an emergency situation. I of course know that they got those items for me as a way to protect myself from intruders, not just people of potential sexual assault, but even still. As a woman, I am always at risk for that and it is a scary thought to have, and some may deny it, but my appearance doesn’t play a good role. That is just one point that Given wanted to make. Okay tiny rant over, back to more topics Given touches on that I think should be discussed.

Continuing on in the book, still in the introduction, Given writes a conversation between herself now and her younger self. The conversation starts off with older Given asking younger Given why she is stuffing her bra. Younger Given says because that is what boys like! Older given says can I have a word? That is when the conversation goes into Given’s older self discussing reasons why things like your weight doesn’t define you and it is not a measure of your beauty. She tells her younger self that even though the reason she might want to look like “how boys like” may not even be what her subconscious wants, but that we were raised on an ideal that society thinks what is “pretty” is what we should make ourselves look like. Given goes on to give younger Given examples, and in total transparency, 90% of what younger Given said to older Given, is what younger me would have said to older me. In my own experience with my younger self, I wanted to fit in. I wanted people to like me so I thought being skinny or wearing makeup or dressing a certain way is what I should do. Learning what I have learned, whether it was good lessons or bad that taught me, I changed my way of thinking. This book helped me solidify my thoughts, but just like Given, that mindset is what brought me to where I am today. That is hard to explain to a teenage girl wanting to get a boyfriend, but it was something I needed to think in order to get to the mindset I am at now. Let me tell you, I am far from where I know I am supposed to be, but damn am I looking forward to getting there.

In Given’s first chapter, Feminism Is Going To Ruin Your Life (In The Best Way Possible), she talks about what feminism is and her journey into understanding feminism. Growing up, I thought being a feminist was, by definition, you had to be a woman and you hated men. After being out in the real world for the past few years, I can confidently say that my definition was completely wrong. First before I dissect my definition, let me talk about what Given had to say. Given talks about as she was learning a new way of thinking, she realized that the world she thought she knew shifted right in front of her eyes, and from experience, I can say the same thing happened to me. Given started showing her examples and I realized, I noticed the same things. I stopped enjoying some of my favorite movies because I realized women were only portrayed as an object or a prize for the male lead. I realized unhealthy qualities in friends I no longer have and the toxicity in those relationships. Just certain things started coming to light, but Given said it best: “A shift in perspective has the power to flip the world as you know it upside down. But wouldn’t you rather see the world clearly than walk through life oblivious to all that you are complicit in and enabling? Having your world turned upside down and experiencing temporary discomfort is minor in comparison with the suffering you would have endured and inflicted onto others over the course of your life if you left these things unchecked. Temporary discomfort is an investment in your future self.” Once again with a powerful quote. Are you starting to understand why I love this book? If not, keep reading.

Given continues on about the possibility of losing friends, of feeling guilty, of feeling like you have to shrink yourself down to make others feel good about themselves, or judging people for things you just recently stopped doing yourself. She puts into perspective that we are all human, we all make mistakes, but we all need to grow. She acknowledges, in order to grow, we all need to be held responsible for our own actions, but we still need to extend the same forgiveness and room to grow to everyone, including yourself, who is still learning. That doesn’t mean you should allow people to be toxic in your life, it just means, for people who are willing to learn, take a step back and realize you thought the same way as them once. Change doesn’t happen overnight though. You have to realize that some people may not be open to change or open to a different mindset. You can only do so much, but don’t let them stunt you from continuing your own growth. Their opinion and their choices shouldn’t effect your growth. What I’m trying to get at, Given gives another great quote to help explain, “Worrying about what others think when you’re growing isn’t your priority. Just grow.”

Circling back to me stating this book is almost like a love letter to yourself, is because of chapter 3, You Are The Love Of Your Own Life. Given thinks how much her younger self would probably hate her for saying, “I am the love of my own life” because her younger self would have thought herself conceited and selfish. I don’t necessarily disagree, but with living in the society I live in, I need to love myself as if I was the love of my own life. The flip side of that coin is though if we compliment ourselves and if we say nice, positive things, we are labeled as “vain.” We then start to degrade ourselves by saying “I am not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not thin enough,” but by who’s standards? Sure as hell not mine. Life is too short to not love the body you have been placed into. You should live life by your OWN standards, no one else’s. Something Given said is, “stop setting for crumbs; you deserve the whole damn cake.” Crumbs being the small tokens and gestures people throw at you, whether it’s compliments every once in a while, flowers every time a mistake is made, which is a lot, to then turn around and treat you like shit. Crumbs are tiny things that bring a smile on your face and cover up the frown and all the red flags. This is true for how you treat yourself as well. Don’t say you look pretty today, but ugly the next. Don’t say I “accept” my body when you’re in public, but in private wish you could take scissors to it. Don’t settle for crumbs no matter who it is honey, bake a whole damn cake and eat it yourself.

An interview I watched recently was Emma Thompson, the amazing British actress best known as Nanny McFee, Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter, Karen in Love Actually and so on and so forth. I love watching interviews with celebrities, but Emma Thompson in particular, because in interviews she is such a free spirit and really doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. There was on particular interview on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” where she speaks about appreciating your body and how life is too short to not. Her quote is, “Don’t waste your life’s purpose worrying about your body. This is your vessel. It’s your house, it’s where you live. There’s no point in judging it. Absolutely no point.” This interview stayed with me because she is absolutely right. Your body is what holds you together, why tell it that it’s not good enough? I mean my body image issues came from when I was a little girl, but if I could talk to my 8 year old self, would I tell her she was overweight? If I talked to my 13 year old self, would I say she should lose a few pounds? If I talked to my 19 year old self, would I tell her she was fat? No, of course not. Then why would I look at my 25 year old self, and say those things? If I don’t want to say it to the 8 year old little girl wearing her bikini, then why would I tell the 25 year old wearing her bikini.

Another chapter that put the world into a different perspective for me was chapter 5, Refuse To Find Comfort In Other Women’s Flaws. Too often than not, as women we tear each other down so frequently. Given gives great examples such as finding yourself saying “you’re not like other girls,” but then as yourself, what are other girls? You are just reinforcing stereotypes that other women are bitches and “full of drama,” as Given put it, but then saying you are the one that is different. Another example I want to shed some light on is women calling other women “sluts.” Why does her right to have sex with whomever she wants, or were whatever revealing clothes she wants bother you? It is her own body and she can do whatever she wants with it. Would you say a man is a slut if he was in the same situation? If you wouldn’t, then think again before you would call a women a slut, and if you would, then get out of their business. Move on. There are other things going on in the world to discuss rather than someone else’s sex life. Other examples are judging other women based on their appearance, or getting cosmetic procedures, for hating your partner’s ex, constantly finding ways to call successful business women “bossy” or “intimidating” and many more. The last quote of the chapter really is something that needs to be shared, “There is enough room for all women to be whole without tearing each other down.” Just think of that next time you want to judge someone, man, woman, trans, etc. when their life is completely separate from yours.

Chapter 8 discusses, Protect Your Energy. “Your time and energy should be preserved, above all, for yourself. Anyone who wants to be a part of your life must be an addition to your wholeness. If you are subconsciously seeking someone to “make you whole,” you’re not ready for a relationship.” I love that quote because that goes hand-in-hand with romantic relationships, friendships and any kind of relationship really. Yes, relationships can bring you happiness, but when you’re alone, those relationships won’t make you feel better. Those relationships won’t make you love yourself. The key to any successful relationship, starts with you. That goes both ways as well. If you put yourself first and love yourself, but the person on the receiving end doesn’t do the same for themselves, it can be tiring to feel like you have to take care of them and then you as well. An example of a toxic relationship. But remember, just because they are exhibiting toxic qualities in your relationship does not make that person toxic. Keep that in mind. It is repetitive, manipulative behavior that makes a person toxic. Just because you are in a relationship where your partner needs to work on themselves and better themselves, doesn’t mean you should exclude them from your life. That person needs to work on themselves before coming to you, they need to learn to grow without you, to not be dependent on you. It is hard to confront that, but in the long run, you both will be happier and healthier for it. That within itself is you protecting your energy first and foremost, and that is just one example. Some people of course can be toxic and need to be excluded, but that is a completely different monster, but no matter what “love yourself to walk away.” That is a quote from chapter 12, If It’s Not A “Fuck Yes”, It’s A “No,” which that chapter will be discussed at a later paragraph. It is the thought process that “the ultimate act of self-love is to know when to walk away from a toxic relationship. Though hard, this is actively practicing self-care, self-preservation, and self-worth. It’s never too late to recognize your own shortcomings and set boundaries with people in your life.”

Chapter 9, To Date Or Not To Date, makes a lot of good points regarding toxic relationships.Something Given says that I think everyone should here is, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.” Given goes into depth that you should let people go at the sight of the first red flag, before you contemplate compromising yourself and your standards. This is one topic I think Given and I differ on. I agree with her to a point. No matter what, you do deserve to be treated far better than you would treat yourself. A quote Given says towards the end of this chapter, “Stop asking yourself if you’re good enough for people. Are they even good enough for you?” This is a fantastic quote that everyone should focus on. You are the main character in this story and deserve the world, so question, are they good enough for me? With you asking yourself that question and never letting up, you will get far. Here is where Given and I differ though. Should someone be blamed for their mistakes? For someone that is still learning and trying to be better? Of course, there is wiggle room with this, and this may only be my views, but I believe we are all human and make mistakes. I’m not saying always forgive toxic behavior, that you deserve less than you get, no, I am not saying that at all. I am saying I believe people should get second chances, and in certain circumstances. The old saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me has always resonated with me, but as I said above, we are all human, we are not perfect, and we are not the smartest. Once someone makes that same mistake twice, then they have shown their true colors. I wouldn’t consider second chances as bad, but once you go past that, tell yourself they are not good enough for you, and you deserve better. Sometimes it is those relationships that teach us lessons we would never had learned otherwise. Given continues on by mentioning that there is a point that could be said of the way people treat you and why. She says that don’t forget, the way people treat you is a reflection on how they feel about themselves, not how they feel about you. Keep that in mind when you beat yourself up for not being able to “fix” someone. Back to Given’s reference on not settling for crumbs, “We needn’t accept crumbs of validation from unworthy people anymore. We want and deserve the whole damn cake.” I can agree that this past paragraph was confusing, but it is entirely up to the people in the scenario. Given has one opinion and I have another, and I know you will have your opinion. No matter the opinion, remember to protect yourself and love yourself. That is all that matters.

A major topic Given talks about and I want to make a point to mention is consent. I know I referenced sexual harassment in the first few paragraphs of this review, but in chapter 12, If It’s Not A “Fuck Yes”, It’s A “No”, Given talks about how people are reluctant to ask for consent. She says “they feel like asking ‘kills the mood.’ But you know what really kills the mood? Sexually assaulting someone.” Here’s the thing. Consent in sexy. I say it all the time to my family and friends in scenarios where we joke around, like when my dog humps my sister’s dog, but in all seriousness, consent is sexy. Another phrase I want to scream so everyone can hear it, one more time. CONSENT IS SEXY. Okay now let’s dive into it. Whether it be in a sexual experience or an encounter with a friend, never assume, always ask. Asking will get you the answers you want and need to hear. Given’s view on consent is quite an interesting one and a great read. Since I am going into depth with a lot of her other chapters, I think this one would be a good one to read from Given herself.

In a later chapter, Given really addresses men and their role in feminism. In chapter 14, Women Do Not Exist To Satisfy The Male Gaze, Given mentions things that I referenced above. The mentions are what women have to do to feel safe in their day to day life, ie. taking another route home, a more populated route, faking a relationship at a bar for men to stop hitting on us, avoiding certain clothes and behaviors to avoid giving men “the wrong idea,” etc. One quote that Given put in this chapter, that the author is unknown by the way, really made me stop and think: “A man in a room full of women is ecstatic. A woman in a room full of men is terrified.” I mean, as a woman reading this chapter and even just this quote, it solidifies my fears, but if I was a man reading this chapter, it would sound scary and tiring. To think, women have to go through so many more things, jump through so many more hoops, just because we are women? Now, do you remember earlier when I said I would talk about men and feminism? Here it is. Trust me, this is not a jab against men. I know some pretty amazing men in my life, and some I truly believe to be feminists. I mean I personally think the best feminists are men because they take the time to understand. They understand the struggles us women face on a daily and they don’t say “oh well we have struggles too.” They take themselves out of the equation and look at the facts. Learning about what Given had to say about modern feminism was empowering. I do want to mention however that there wasn’t much of a conversation of male feminists, or male’s not being that stereotype. I personally know a lot of good men out there, that treat women fairly and would never ever contemplate the scenarios us women go through. I would love to see some representation of those kinds of men in literature and books. Maybe someday we will.

I know this was a long review, but after reading it, you know exactly what to expect out of this book. You won’t be questioning whether or not you’ll like it, and you certainly won’t be questioning whether or not you agree with it. But do you want hear something crazy? I didn’t even cover all of the topics in this book. Definitely something to look forward to.

Go give this book a read, if not to help your relationships or to help your view on others, but to help you with loving yourself and becoming the best version of yourself. I know it is a lot of pressure to place on a book, and I know a book isn’t going to give you the magic answers, but I honestly think, this book helped me understand myself a lot more. This book helped me look at the world differently, good and bad. This book, all-in-all, was a love letter to myself.

I hope anyone who reads this book, man, woman, or other, looks at themselves in a different, more forgiving, kind and loving light. One last quote I’d like to share from this book is from the last chapter, chapter 21, Let That Shit Go: “Because of your strength, you are still here in this present moment, in spite of what happened to the past versions of yourself. They are grateful because you got all of them through this to be where you are today—alive.”